Week 16, 17, 18 Respite & Recovery in my hometown (Caves Beach) & Newcastle

Where do I start with this blog? It was something that was the best and the worst in a sense. Being mentally unwell and being in the black hole of a depressive low is never a pleasant time….. If anything, it is one of the worst experiences an individual can have in their life … but…. I was grateful that even though depression had been creeping in since Wollongong and it had arrived by the time I reached Sydney, I only had 150kms to get to my hometown of Caves Beach.

I had become quite ill, gripped by another debilitating depressive low, but the wheels had already been put in motion for a gathering with friends and family to celebrate me getting home. I have to give credit to my beautiful mother, who put on this gorgeous event at our local surf club on the second night that I got back. She pulled it together in only a few weeks leading up to my arrival and was fully aware it was “touch and go” if we would be able to go ahead with the night, or if we would have to cancel it at the last minute. Mum had a contingency plan if we had needed to “pull the pin” because this is the reality of an unpredictable chronic mental illness. The night went ahead though and the following photo shows our tight-knit family and the mask we can wear when we band together as a team under stressful situations!

All my friends and family were there. Prior, I had previously worried about getting home because I was a bit fearful before I reached home that all these people might have expectations of me, that might have been hard to live up to, (especially being in a depressive low), but it all just melted away. It was an exhausting night but but really successful. My mum did such a beautiful job of organising it all.

My sister Phoebe, was the MC, and we did a Q & A where people were able to ask me any written questions about my walk. Phoebs read out. the questions and I was able to share the answers with everyone in the room by microphone. Humans are funny because despite some of the incredible experiences I’d had there were so many questions during the Q & A about toileting!!!

Mostly, I was just surrounded by so much love. So many people that went out of their way just to see me on the night. Everyone had a really nice night.

We had a little silent auction going on and we ended up raising around $8K which was incredible, and it also alleviated pressure. I was also able to make myself available to see everyone on that night and then it left time for me to heal for the next couple of weeks. To be alone without feeling the pressure or stress or guilt about doing the rounds to see everyone.

So, I started to do all the preventative things like exercise, increasing my sleep and focusing on reducing stress, carefully watching my nutrition and avoiding alcohol, like having bipolar isn’t necessarily a reflection of effort when you have these lows, it’s just unfortunately the nature of the beast and they happen.

I faced this low, coming into Newcastle, and we still have contact with one of the gorgeous nurses from Lakeside Hospital at Warners Bay which is the psychiatric hospital I visited when I was in my early 20s when I was first managing my diagnosed bipolar illness. They were able to squeeze me in, to get TMS treatment which I had successfully previously experienced (weekdays, daily for 6 weeks) in early 2022 before I left for my walk.

TMS is the acronym for Trans-Magnetic Stimuli Therapy. TMS is essentially a non-invasive magnetic frequency that is directed to the mood centre of the brain. The medical personnel scan an individual’s brain to pinpoint the mood centre and the best route for the magnetic stimuli. A mark is drawn on your head with a permanent marker for the ongoing daily precise administration of the treatment over a period of weeks. It is described as a tapping motion from the machine which doesn’t really hurt, it’s just a bit of a weird sensation. Basically, the magnetic stimuli go into the brain as frequency waves which stimulate the nerve cells in the mood centres of the brain when you have underactive parts. For example, like when you are experiencing a depressive low the TMS in layman’s terms “ruffles the feathers” a little in the hope that the brain will kick back into the normal swing of things and produce and regulate the chemicals for moods once again.

Being back in Newcastle was a really hard time because I had so many friends and family I wanted to see. I felt that this was my stomping ground, and it was where I was supposed to put in the most effort and do my best. Maybe though, it’s one of those “Murphy’s Laws” things when you feel like you have to do something and when you feel like you have no other option, you sometimes are forced to find another option! I had become very unwell and so I made a video to express to people how I was feeling and also to give some time parameters. I think that’s a concept that’s really hard for people to understand, because when people are depressed, they can be in that mental state for months on end. At its worst, realistically this ended up with me literally being in hospital. I felt compelled to make the video, to explain to people “how, what and why” I was feeling how I was feeling, and why I was choosing to “step back” from everyone, especially when I was in my home space. Potentially I have considered that it could have been because home for most people, is where they feel the safest. I had been in a “fight or flight” state for the four months, prior to reaching home and so I didn’t have a choice because I was always in survival mode. Being on the go constantly, when I was finally in a position where I didn’t have to do that, all the walls came down! Home was the first time I was able to “feel” again. Even things such as fear and happiness.

For the next three weeks, I would go every morning into the psychiatric hospital as an outpatient to get “top up” TMS treatment. I would then go to the gym after it. I’d come home and sleep or do very minimal “stressing” things and I honestly didn’t do much organisation for my walk in general because I had gotten to the stage of emotional, mental and physical exhaustion! I found this fascinating. Prior to arriving home, I had been climbing mountains, crossing rivers, navigating my way daily by myself, staying alive by myself, meeting people, being on television and radio, connecting with strangers and doing some incredible things, and managing my social media, journaling and organising my sleeping and eating needs daily. I had gotten to a stage however, where I was unable to function properly in the most basic of ways. For example, I remember I had one situation where I was in an IGA and I had to get a couple of things for dinner (this is the same girl who had walked over a thousand kilometres to get to my hometown my myself), and I was just staring at the dairy, and I just felt numb! I couldn’t move! My whole body was frozen! I just had these silent tears rolling down my face. My friend Sean was with me, and he said “Bails, what is wrong?” and I couldn’t even look at him. I remember wanting to and remember wanting to be able to turn my head to look at him, but I just couldn’t. He then came in front of me because I wouldn’t look at him. He was trying to get my focus, but I couldn’t even focus my eyes, to his eyes, as I cried and was sobbing in this IGA. This was the time, I had to express to people that I wasn’t doing well and needed to step back. It’s just so incredibly frustrating when you know you are capable, and you know you are competent. I’m living proof that I am that, to myself! I had done some incredible things but when you get to this stage of dysfunction in a depression, it literally all but shuts down your brain. It’s like being in an alternate universe. You can’t connect! It’s like being on AM when everyone else is on FM radio frequency and even the simplest of tasks become almost impossible to do. Not even just because of attitude or mood. Sometimes it really does feel like your brain just stops working. It can feel quite dangerous and feel very unsafe if you think about it. You know, you could think, well what if I was driving, or what if something bad happens? But I think the brain only does it in times when it gets an opportunity to calm and it thinks that it can. I have sort of noticed that for myself anyway!

I spent the three weeks, bunking out in my house, around my old stomping ground, hanging out with my beautiful assistance dog “Olive” that my mum and dad have been taking care of, and I reverted. I went from this warrior woman who was walking the east coast of Australia to this same girl who couldn’t get out of her pyjamas for three days at a time.

Showering was hard and it was really hard because there was a secret part of me that was hoping when I started this walk (even if it seems silly) that it would get better. That maybe enough effort it would shift my illness a bit. But it was a really humbling, equally devastating and slightly liberating experience because that acceptance had to happen because I was like…. Right…. Now I really know there is nothing I can do that will cure or fix this. I have to continue to live with it! This walk does exemplify that! I am capable but there’s going to be times where I just have to accept it.
I finished off my last TMS treatment about three weeks later.

I’ve experienced a lot of different treatment styles including Electro-Convulsive Therapy (ECT) different types of mood stabilisers and anti-psychotics, Cognitive Based Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance Therapy (AT). I do find for me that TMS works pretty well. It’s not invasive for me and it has minimal side effects and it’s very therapeutic. Although I was not exactly back to my fighting fit mental state, with extensive love and support from friends, family and the incredible health care team I was stable and healthy enough to continue North on my hiking journey to Cape three weeks later.